I sit

I sit,

and I stare.

Overwhelmed at whats in front of me.

I sit, 

unsure, and ashamed. 

Not knowing what to be,
who to be,
or how to be.

I sit, 

not sure where to go, 

or what to do. 

They say move forward, 

move anywhere,

just move.

I sit, 

held back by fear,

held back by pain, 

held back by shame.

I sit, 

I want to go, 

I want to move.

But I sit, 

so much,
I move back. 

I'm fucking miserable

I'm sure I'm going to look back on all of this and wonder why the fuck I'm bitching for no apparent reason.

I'm fucking miserable.
I really hate who I've become.
I used to think I had so much going for me. Maybe thats why I let it get this far. Maybe I just thought that I had time to slack.
Now I'm barely passing college.
Now I'm unemployed.
I'm not where I want to be weight wise.
I have no idea what I want to do for a career.
Seriously, WTF. I don't know what to do.
Dr. Cortman says I just need to start moving. It doesn't matter in which direction. All I keep thinking is that I'm just moving backwards.
I haven't smoked pot in like a week, so thats a plus. Problem is I've started smoking cigarettes again.
Its my own god damn fault I'm still stuck in school.
It's my own goddamn fault I have no career.
fuck. shit. god damnit. balls.

There's a connection

Adam. 

I don't know how it is, but he can literally read my mind. He can literally sense my emotions. Its so bizarre. I still have no desire to be with him, but all of this has got to mean something.