Just met a man. Steve. He came into monks. A little eccentric. Ok maybe a lot. But he spoke to my soul. 

He looked into my eyes and told me that I shouldn't just feel that I need to have children because I'm a woman. He said he can see that I might not be able to handle the weight of being held down. 

He could see the wanderer in my eyes. He was weird, but he spoke as I he knew me for years. Better than my best friends. This old man that looks like he could possibly be a hobo just spoke to my soul. He called me a butterfly and told me to fly. 

Well, I'm bored.

I'm super bored, so I've decided to journal. I am currently sitting in some beautiful apartment overlooking Lido beach. Having just babysat an 8 year old boy, I am understandably mentally exhausted from acting like every thing he did was awesome. His name is McKai. 

Anyway, yesterday Bri and Adam came to visit and Swade came later. Bri is only here for a couple weeks and then she's heeding out to the phillipeans to start her Red Cross tour. I'm super jealous, but also definitely not all at the same time. I know she's going to have an amazing time, but I don't think I'd ever be able to handle the conditions she's about to endure. 

Adam picked up the joker drawing I made him. I'm actually really sad to see it go, but I've been getting so many new job offers since I made it. I need to stop sketching and go back to spending more time on each art work. 

Saw a sign for a full time position at Hobby Lobby for $15 an hour. Thinking about hitting that up. $15 and hour plus all the money id be saving in art supplies AND Sunday's off?!? Done. 

The crash 12/14/14

So, I was in a severe car crash with Travis. We were both drunk, and neither of us could have driven. Even now I have a hard time remembering what happened. Maybe it will come back to me at a later time. All I know is I am so lucky to be alive. I've never come so close to dying in my life. I need to make sure that I cherish this world more. I need to be more careful with my life. I hope other learn a lesson from this. From me. It's crazy how fragile life is. 

Adam after I sent him the joker pics.

In response to this picture. 

" Can I tell you something? / Not lovey-dovey, shit. Real shit. / It's about your art and how it hits my soul. / Fuck it, I'm just telling you. Seeing your work on that pic has made me cry twice. It's a combination of a creativity, a generosity, an ability and a spirit of someone who has made me realize that I can be just as good as I've ever wanted to be. It's the work of someone who loves and endears them self to others. It's a work of a prodigy begging to become a deity. And really, you are just that. You're so goddamn remarkable I don't have a large enough vocabulary to explain it. You're just Alex. A real life Wonder Woman. Always be that person, be yourself. And express yourself until you can't anymore. You're not a star, you're a fucking Galaxy. and you're gonna shine. I love your fucking face. Thanks for being my best friend." 

What do you say to that? I love him, but we're stuck in that classic "best guy friend loves the girl" situation. I don't think I could ever be with Adam romantically, and that kills me. It isn't like he isn't amazing and I don't have an insanely deep connection with him; I just don't have THAT connection with him. To quote this damn Selena Gimez song, "That heart wants what it wants."

 Many people, including both of us, would consider this selfish. It's cruel. I think so. When he's drunk he tells me not to talk to him. When he's sober he swears it's fine. Because I depend on him, I listen to his sober self. Deep down I know I shouldn't. He's already going through so much now, I feel like I can't abandon him. Maybe when I leave the country, it will all even out.

It all boils down to soul mates and life partners. Adam and I are soul mates. Our souls are pieces of the same puzzle, destined to encounter, and meant to help each other grow. That's what I believe. 

Oh well. Here's my journal entry of the year. I feel like I probably should were more, and maybe consider making this private. And also typing my thoughts out loud for the occasional bypasser to stumble upon and read. And to them I say hello and goodnight! 😘  

This post makes me sound a tad bit insane.