Adam after I sent him the joker pics.

In response to this picture. 

" Can I tell you something? / Not lovey-dovey, shit. Real shit. / It's about your art and how it hits my soul. / Fuck it, I'm just telling you. Seeing your work on that pic has made me cry twice. It's a combination of a creativity, a generosity, an ability and a spirit of someone who has made me realize that I can be just as good as I've ever wanted to be. It's the work of someone who loves and endears them self to others. It's a work of a prodigy begging to become a deity. And really, you are just that. You're so goddamn remarkable I don't have a large enough vocabulary to explain it. You're just Alex. A real life Wonder Woman. Always be that person, be yourself. And express yourself until you can't anymore. You're not a star, you're a fucking Galaxy. and you're gonna shine. I love your fucking face. Thanks for being my best friend." 

What do you say to that? I love him, but we're stuck in that classic "best guy friend loves the girl" situation. I don't think I could ever be with Adam romantically, and that kills me. It isn't like he isn't amazing and I don't have an insanely deep connection with him; I just don't have THAT connection with him. To quote this damn Selena Gimez song, "That heart wants what it wants."

 Many people, including both of us, would consider this selfish. It's cruel. I think so. When he's drunk he tells me not to talk to him. When he's sober he swears it's fine. Because I depend on him, I listen to his sober self. Deep down I know I shouldn't. He's already going through so much now, I feel like I can't abandon him. Maybe when I leave the country, it will all even out.

It all boils down to soul mates and life partners. Adam and I are soul mates. Our souls are pieces of the same puzzle, destined to encounter, and meant to help each other grow. That's what I believe. 

Oh well. Here's my journal entry of the year. I feel like I probably should were more, and maybe consider making this private. And also typing my thoughts out loud for the occasional bypasser to stumble upon and read. And to them I say hello and goodnight! 😘  

This post makes me sound a tad bit insane.