Just met a man. Steve. He came into monks. A little eccentric. Ok maybe a lot. But he spoke to my soul. 

He looked into my eyes and told me that I shouldn't just feel that I need to have children because I'm a woman. He said he can see that I might not be able to handle the weight of being held down. 

He could see the wanderer in my eyes. He was weird, but he spoke as I he knew me for years. Better than my best friends. This old man that looks like he could possibly be a hobo just spoke to my soul. He called me a butterfly and told me to fly. 

Well, I'm bored.

I'm super bored, so I've decided to journal. I am currently sitting in some beautiful apartment overlooking Lido beach. Having just babysat an 8 year old boy, I am understandably mentally exhausted from acting like every thing he did was awesome. His name is McKai. 

Anyway, yesterday Bri and Adam came to visit and Swade came later. Bri is only here for a couple weeks and then she's heeding out to the phillipeans to start her Red Cross tour. I'm super jealous, but also definitely not all at the same time. I know she's going to have an amazing time, but I don't think I'd ever be able to handle the conditions she's about to endure. 

Adam picked up the joker drawing I made him. I'm actually really sad to see it go, but I've been getting so many new job offers since I made it. I need to stop sketching and go back to spending more time on each art work. 

Saw a sign for a full time position at Hobby Lobby for $15 an hour. Thinking about hitting that up. $15 and hour plus all the money id be saving in art supplies AND Sunday's off?!? Done. 

The crash 12/14/14

So, I was in a severe car crash with Travis. We were both drunk, and neither of us could have driven. Even now I have a hard time remembering what happened. Maybe it will come back to me at a later time. All I know is I am so lucky to be alive. I've never come so close to dying in my life. I need to make sure that I cherish this world more. I need to be more careful with my life. I hope other learn a lesson from this. From me. It's crazy how fragile life is. 

Adam after I sent him the joker pics.

In response to this picture. 

" Can I tell you something? / Not lovey-dovey, shit. Real shit. / It's about your art and how it hits my soul. / Fuck it, I'm just telling you. Seeing your work on that pic has made me cry twice. It's a combination of a creativity, a generosity, an ability and a spirit of someone who has made me realize that I can be just as good as I've ever wanted to be. It's the work of someone who loves and endears them self to others. It's a work of a prodigy begging to become a deity. And really, you are just that. You're so goddamn remarkable I don't have a large enough vocabulary to explain it. You're just Alex. A real life Wonder Woman. Always be that person, be yourself. And express yourself until you can't anymore. You're not a star, you're a fucking Galaxy. and you're gonna shine. I love your fucking face. Thanks for being my best friend." 

What do you say to that? I love him, but we're stuck in that classic "best guy friend loves the girl" situation. I don't think I could ever be with Adam romantically, and that kills me. It isn't like he isn't amazing and I don't have an insanely deep connection with him; I just don't have THAT connection with him. To quote this damn Selena Gimez song, "That heart wants what it wants."

 Many people, including both of us, would consider this selfish. It's cruel. I think so. When he's drunk he tells me not to talk to him. When he's sober he swears it's fine. Because I depend on him, I listen to his sober self. Deep down I know I shouldn't. He's already going through so much now, I feel like I can't abandon him. Maybe when I leave the country, it will all even out.

It all boils down to soul mates and life partners. Adam and I are soul mates. Our souls are pieces of the same puzzle, destined to encounter, and meant to help each other grow. That's what I believe. 

Oh well. Here's my journal entry of the year. I feel like I probably should were more, and maybe consider making this private. And also typing my thoughts out loud for the occasional bypasser to stumble upon and read. And to them I say hello and goodnight! 😘  

This post makes me sound a tad bit insane. 

Victorious!!!!

Adam finally added me on Facebook again. What transpired was truly a funny moment in text history. 

It's been a long time coming. Now he's professing his love for me again. Looks like I might be causing problems for his courtship with Danielle. My b. I feel wrong keeping him in my life, but he really is a huge chunk of all I have. He knows he's important to me, but sometimes I wonder if he knows HOW important. I feel selfish. 

On another note, I shot guns with my dad today. Myles was sick, so it was he and I, and everyone else on the property. But it was fun.

My foot however has been swollen for two days now, which is weird because it didn't swell up when the injury first happened. It's been almost 5 days and now it's swelling. I have a feeling I fractured my foot. We'll see. I'm going in for X-rays tomorrow. 

Also, last night I posted a picture to my art Instagram. At that time I had about 25 followers. Almost 24 hours later, I now have 50 followers and the picture has over 150 likes. I think this is a sign that I'm heading in the right direction. 

Adams apology.

"It's a long apology I should probably do in person but idk when I'll get that chance. So, I'll try and sum it up the best I can. First, I never cared about a woman in my life more then you. Legit. That being said, Heidi kinda ruined me. At least for a little. I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted to be after her. That girl fucked me up very, very bad. Most of the shitty things I've done or said in the past two years can be attributed to her. That being said, I feel like I was too vocal with you about how I felt and not anywhere near as cerebral as I probably should have been. I was acting out. I was hurt and saw something amazing and just abused my right to even speak sometimes. The point is, I was never the human I should have been when I said any of that to you. I shouldn't have said one thing and acted like a lost ass in the meantime. I made you uncomfortable and probably embarrassed you over feelings I had no right trying to handle. I'm sorry I was as persistent, and the the same time, as stagnant as I was to you. I appreciate you always taking it like a champ and still being here for me. You are the shit and I'm happy to have you around. I'm sorry I sucked so much the last couple years."

Warped tour 2014

Today was the first time since I can remember that I went to warped tour without getting back stage. Despite the obvious problems with that,  I managed to still enjoy myself. I spent the better part of the day with my hero, Alex Arthur, and his good looking friend from Estonia, Sander. Sander's attractiveness was one thing, but his personality shines above all else. He is in the special forces of Estonia. Alex trains him. He was here visiting for a little while. Quite the gentlemen, and almost flawless English, minus the accent. I really enjoyed hanging out with these boys. That's probably why I decided to spend money that I can afford to be spending. I'll admit, as much as I like to see Alex, I went because I wanted to spend more time with Sander. Nothing came of it, but it was nice being able to entertain the idea. I can probably attribute my lack of enthusiasm towards hero due to his inappropriate advances from he night before. Sometimes I wonder if he gets drunker from cheap beer than he does liquor. I digress, the day was a scorcher, and I am not sporting a very unflattering sun burn that will soon become a quasi permanent tan line. I spent some time with Danielle, the crazy girl from Sarasota that both Adam and Alex were after. Alex really just wants some ass. I'm pretty sure he'd sleep with a hefer at this point. I didn't really see any bands I cared to see, but the atmosphere was electric. I forgot how much I missed it. I might have secured a job for the next tour!! :) Christine says she will come with me, but I'm pretty sure I've already jinxed the whole thing. Oh well. I'll keep my fingers crossed. It was nostalgic, but bitter sweet not being able to hang with my Streetlight buddies. 

Also, my shoes broke almost instantly in the mud as soon as I got there. I also wore all white since that was the only thig I had been wearing and wasn't prepared at all for this day. Sander actually convinced me to come because he figured Alex would be trying to plow Danielle all day. I was a wreck. But it was nice squishing my toes through the mud all day. :)