Victorious!!!!

Adam finally added me on Facebook again. What transpired was truly a funny moment in text history. 

It's been a long time coming. Now he's professing his love for me again. Looks like I might be causing problems for his courtship with Danielle. My b. I feel wrong keeping him in my life, but he really is a huge chunk of all I have. He knows he's important to me, but sometimes I wonder if he knows HOW important. I feel selfish. 

On another note, I shot guns with my dad today. Myles was sick, so it was he and I, and everyone else on the property. But it was fun.

My foot however has been swollen for two days now, which is weird because it didn't swell up when the injury first happened. It's been almost 5 days and now it's swelling. I have a feeling I fractured my foot. We'll see. I'm going in for X-rays tomorrow. 

Also, last night I posted a picture to my art Instagram. At that time I had about 25 followers. Almost 24 hours later, I now have 50 followers and the picture has over 150 likes. I think this is a sign that I'm heading in the right direction. 

Adams apology.

"It's a long apology I should probably do in person but idk when I'll get that chance. So, I'll try and sum it up the best I can. First, I never cared about a woman in my life more then you. Legit. That being said, Heidi kinda ruined me. At least for a little. I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted to be after her. That girl fucked me up very, very bad. Most of the shitty things I've done or said in the past two years can be attributed to her. That being said, I feel like I was too vocal with you about how I felt and not anywhere near as cerebral as I probably should have been. I was acting out. I was hurt and saw something amazing and just abused my right to even speak sometimes. The point is, I was never the human I should have been when I said any of that to you. I shouldn't have said one thing and acted like a lost ass in the meantime. I made you uncomfortable and probably embarrassed you over feelings I had no right trying to handle. I'm sorry I was as persistent, and the the same time, as stagnant as I was to you. I appreciate you always taking it like a champ and still being here for me. You are the shit and I'm happy to have you around. I'm sorry I sucked so much the last couple years."

Warped tour 2014

Today was the first time since I can remember that I went to warped tour without getting back stage. Despite the obvious problems with that,  I managed to still enjoy myself. I spent the better part of the day with my hero, Alex Arthur, and his good looking friend from Estonia, Sander. Sander's attractiveness was one thing, but his personality shines above all else. He is in the special forces of Estonia. Alex trains him. He was here visiting for a little while. Quite the gentlemen, and almost flawless English, minus the accent. I really enjoyed hanging out with these boys. That's probably why I decided to spend money that I can afford to be spending. I'll admit, as much as I like to see Alex, I went because I wanted to spend more time with Sander. Nothing came of it, but it was nice being able to entertain the idea. I can probably attribute my lack of enthusiasm towards hero due to his inappropriate advances from he night before. Sometimes I wonder if he gets drunker from cheap beer than he does liquor. I digress, the day was a scorcher, and I am not sporting a very unflattering sun burn that will soon become a quasi permanent tan line. I spent some time with Danielle, the crazy girl from Sarasota that both Adam and Alex were after. Alex really just wants some ass. I'm pretty sure he'd sleep with a hefer at this point. I didn't really see any bands I cared to see, but the atmosphere was electric. I forgot how much I missed it. I might have secured a job for the next tour!! :) Christine says she will come with me, but I'm pretty sure I've already jinxed the whole thing. Oh well. I'll keep my fingers crossed. It was nostalgic, but bitter sweet not being able to hang with my Streetlight buddies. 

Also, my shoes broke almost instantly in the mud as soon as I got there. I also wore all white since that was the only thig I had been wearing and wasn't prepared at all for this day. Sander actually convinced me to come because he figured Alex would be trying to plow Danielle all day. I was a wreck. But it was nice squishing my toes through the mud all day. :) 

I sit

I sit,

and I stare.

Overwhelmed at whats in front of me.

I sit, 

unsure, and ashamed. 

Not knowing what to be,
who to be,
or how to be.

I sit, 

not sure where to go, 

or what to do. 

They say move forward, 

move anywhere,

just move.

I sit, 

held back by fear,

held back by pain, 

held back by shame.

I sit, 

I want to go, 

I want to move.

But I sit, 

so much,
I move back. 

I'm fucking miserable

I'm sure I'm going to look back on all of this and wonder why the fuck I'm bitching for no apparent reason.

I'm fucking miserable.
I really hate who I've become.
I used to think I had so much going for me. Maybe thats why I let it get this far. Maybe I just thought that I had time to slack.
Now I'm barely passing college.
Now I'm unemployed.
I'm not where I want to be weight wise.
I have no idea what I want to do for a career.
Seriously, WTF. I don't know what to do.
Dr. Cortman says I just need to start moving. It doesn't matter in which direction. All I keep thinking is that I'm just moving backwards.
I haven't smoked pot in like a week, so thats a plus. Problem is I've started smoking cigarettes again.
Its my own god damn fault I'm still stuck in school.
It's my own goddamn fault I have no career.
fuck. shit. god damnit. balls.

There's a connection

Adam. 

I don't know how it is, but he can literally read my mind. He can literally sense my emotions. Its so bizarre. I still have no desire to be with him, but all of this has got to mean something.