I dont know what I want to do.

I know what I would like to be. I want to be successful, smart, educated, fit, captivating, creative, engaging, compassionate, fulfilled, challenged, and loved. Why is it that I resist taking the step so much? I am definitely afraid of failure and my childhood has made me despise hard work. I need to find the motivation to succeed. I need to find my pathway. I must do this.

Best friends

Yesterday I made bri and I a glorious dinner. She was supposed to call me when she got off work at 8. I finished dinner at 9:30. No call. Finally at 10:30 she calls me from Taylor's phone. Her phone died. She decided to just go there. I'm not totally upset, but it's things like this that show me I need better friends. When will I find a friend that is as reliable as me? Josh is the only one. Can't

 rely on him forever though. 

Sept. 28, 2013.. I need to be happy.

How do I do that? Where do I start? I really miss Josh. Not romantically, but emotionally. He is my soul mate. Not in the sense that we belong together, but in the sense that I need him in my life. He's not here enough. I think he's moved on so much more than I have. I honestly didn't think that would be possible. It saddens me. Tonight I realized that I rely on him for happiness. He brings out the best in me. I am such a multi dimensional person; people see so many different sides of me. He sees the real me.. all of me. I feel like I'm not true to myself when I'm not with him. I don't want to say I need him, but I feel like I do. I wish he still needed me like I feel like I need him. I think its because he's moved on so much and I haven't. He's at a place where he is so happy and I'm so miserable. What can I do to be happy? What do I need to do to get through this? Why is it that this time was the hardest time to see him? Is it because I'm so unhappy or am I so unhappy because I'm not around him. God.. I dont know. But something has got to give. I cannot live like this. I need to fix this. I need to do it. Not anyone else. This is all on me. I need to nut up and start facing the wind. This wont be easy and I'm not going to enjoy it in the beginning, but I need to do it. I can do this. I know I can. I am Alex K*****! I fucking got this.

Aug. 22, 2013.. On To The Next One

Jesus. I swear that my luck with men is ridiculous. Why is it that guys want to be with me more than I want to be with them? Call me shallow. Its true. I want sexy men. Men that give so much less of a shit about me than I give about them. So why is it that the guys that hit on me are always so much less than what I want? The hott ones never give me the time of day. I don't get that. My dad says that 'like energies attract.' and maybe that's true. Maybe the guy that I want isn't attracted to me because I'm not on his level. I'm a server at a restaurant. I can relate to that. I don't want to date a server at a restaurant either, but when he's hott I at least want to bang him. Why don't the hott guys ever hit on me?
I digress. I am more interested in talking about this ridiculous on and off again friendship that I've had with this guy Joe since the beginning of time. I'm mean, this guy knew me when I was still Brittany....... Thats ancient.
I can't stand guys with bigger emotions than I have. I'm not the girliest of girls... I get it... but still. I don't get why every guy that is seriously into me has to be so dramatic about everything. This guy is the opposite of my friend Adam, minus the ridiculous amount of love they have for me for no reason. This is my longest standing love-hate relationship. Since I was in third grade, Joe has wanted to be "with" me. I don't know what it is, but I have never felt the same way. He is attractive enough, I guess. But maybe its his way of going about it. I heard a quote from a stupid movie once, but it stuck with me; "The power in the relationship goes to the one that cares the least." I believe this whole heartedly. However, I feel like those relationships are doomed for failure. The ideal, marry-able relationships are the ones that have no uneven balance in feelings. Thats why these relationships with these two boys are doomed for failure. Why can't guys remember the saying "girls love assholes?" I don't know. I've had a few beers and my ramblings seem to be all over the place so maybe I need to revisit this topic in the morning. Sounds good... (as I answer my self drunkely) ... thats the sign that I need to sign off. lol. Jesus, Alex. You need help.

Aug. 21, 2013.. A Good Friend Once Said

"You're the only woman I've ever met who has grabbed my heart, put a stranglehold on it and held on for dear life. But you've never tried to. You just did. And you did it without even knowing what you were doing. I know the kind of men you look for and the kind you attract, and you shouldn't attract me. Your agenda and your needs should probably push me as far away as possible. but your ability to see a smile in anything is the difference. Your ability to love anyone is the difference. You're a fucking godsend to this earth. A gift. And I'm proud to say that you've wasted some of your time with me. With you, I feel like I'm going out with a purpose. Because that's how great you are. You can make a poor man feel wealthy. Or in my case, a sad man feel worth something. Really though, Miss, you need to understand the difference you make. I'll never ask you to love me, but please appreciate how high I hold you in regard. To me, you're a peak. And I don't care what everyone thinks, I want them to know that I place you on the pinnacle."

My good friend Adam said this to me a few days ago and it blew me away. It's happened before; a friend cared for me much more than I cared for them. *cough* Joe *cough*. With Adam it's different. He doesn't ask anything from me. He doesn't wait to hear what I have to say. When I try to speak, he stops me. He knows that my unspoken words mean that I do not feel the same. He understands that I am not at a point in my life where I could entertain reciprocating these feelings. He is happy to just tell me how much he loves me and takes pleasure in my listening. I mostly sit in silence as he babbles on so eloquently, not because I find these confessions creepy or overwhelming, but because I am in awe at the way he sees me. It is not how I see myself, but how I one day want to. I am at a point in my life where I'm struggling to find who I am, where I'm going, and how to get there. To me every day is filled with effort to motivate and uplift my inner turmoil. With him, he shows me that others see me in a blinding light that is actually possible. I wish I could show him how magnificent he truly is. How his words give me that boost of confidence I rarely feel. How just seeing him stare at me makes me feel like I can do anything. I know he struggles with happiness just like I do. I want to shake him sometimes and tell him that the way he views the world is harming his happiness, but I wouldn't dare change him for anything. His outspoken, well articulated, often pessimistic demeanor is what makes him who he is. He cares so much about everything and everyone around him that theres never enough left for him to care about himself. His worries and fear for everyone weigh on him so heavily that its hard for him to find true happiness. I wish I could give it to him. I wish he could understand why I stick around and listen to him. Why I love just talking to him for hours and hours. Why he is still such a prevalent factor in my life. Its not because he compliments me with such magnitude every time I see him. I'd be lying if that wasn't part of it. But I'd be lying if I said it was. No. Its because his company is unmatched. His opinions, perceptively right or wrong, are so glorious. The way he conveys his thoughts, ideas, and beliefs are with such conviction that its captivating. I so often find myself standing up and yelling in his face with such a grin of amusement and a furrowed brow of frustration. I can hardly count the number of times some weird quirk of my personality has matched his to a T; My desire to adopt a black boy, my plan to jump out of a plane naked when I grow tired of old age, my response "living the dream," etc. Its almost to the point that I do not believe him when he says that he feels the same way. I feel that part of my draw to him is that he is so inherently similar to me. I like me, so why wouldn't I like him? Self centered as that sounds and as fickle as that makes this post, its true.
I worry about him sometimes, because I know he's not happy. I worry that he doesn't want to be as strong as I know he is, but I know he has the capability and capacity to overcome and move on. To flourish. He is capable of such greatness that I hope and wait for it to be achieved. I might not be there with him the way he wants, but I will always be there for him. Every step of the way. Just as he is there for me. Because whether he likes it or not, I'm here, and I'm not leaving.

08/20/13 Activation of My Immortality

There comes a point in everyones lives where they realize that the path they're on isn't quite leading to the ideal destination. I think the hardest part about this is overcoming it with a drive to move forward. So often do I see my friends fall into this inevitable rut of no return. Thankfully for me, seeing these things happen to the people around me has shown me what I do not want to be. I have the desire, but lack the drive. Motivating myself has proven difficult at best. It took a good friend's kind words to give me the push I needed towards starting this blog. I am not doing it for anyone but myself. I hope eventually someone will find solace in my words, if only to let them know they are not alone. Until then, I will use this as a medium for expressing my thoughts and my memories. This is My Immortality, and I have the intention of riding it out as long as I can.

Oh, Tampa.

Today I was sitting on Adams porch in the ghetto of ybor and some ratchet looking chick just came up and asked for a condom. I'm surprised at how respectable yet... Not that was.