Aug. 21, 2013.. A Good Friend Once Said

"You're the only woman I've ever met who has grabbed my heart, put a stranglehold on it and held on for dear life. But you've never tried to. You just did. And you did it without even knowing what you were doing. I know the kind of men you look for and the kind you attract, and you shouldn't attract me. Your agenda and your needs should probably push me as far away as possible. but your ability to see a smile in anything is the difference. Your ability to love anyone is the difference. You're a fucking godsend to this earth. A gift. And I'm proud to say that you've wasted some of your time with me. With you, I feel like I'm going out with a purpose. Because that's how great you are. You can make a poor man feel wealthy. Or in my case, a sad man feel worth something. Really though, Miss, you need to understand the difference you make. I'll never ask you to love me, but please appreciate how high I hold you in regard. To me, you're a peak. And I don't care what everyone thinks, I want them to know that I place you on the pinnacle."

My good friend Adam said this to me a few days ago and it blew me away. It's happened before; a friend cared for me much more than I cared for them. *cough* Joe *cough*. With Adam it's different. He doesn't ask anything from me. He doesn't wait to hear what I have to say. When I try to speak, he stops me. He knows that my unspoken words mean that I do not feel the same. He understands that I am not at a point in my life where I could entertain reciprocating these feelings. He is happy to just tell me how much he loves me and takes pleasure in my listening. I mostly sit in silence as he babbles on so eloquently, not because I find these confessions creepy or overwhelming, but because I am in awe at the way he sees me. It is not how I see myself, but how I one day want to. I am at a point in my life where I'm struggling to find who I am, where I'm going, and how to get there. To me every day is filled with effort to motivate and uplift my inner turmoil. With him, he shows me that others see me in a blinding light that is actually possible. I wish I could show him how magnificent he truly is. How his words give me that boost of confidence I rarely feel. How just seeing him stare at me makes me feel like I can do anything. I know he struggles with happiness just like I do. I want to shake him sometimes and tell him that the way he views the world is harming his happiness, but I wouldn't dare change him for anything. His outspoken, well articulated, often pessimistic demeanor is what makes him who he is. He cares so much about everything and everyone around him that theres never enough left for him to care about himself. His worries and fear for everyone weigh on him so heavily that its hard for him to find true happiness. I wish I could give it to him. I wish he could understand why I stick around and listen to him. Why I love just talking to him for hours and hours. Why he is still such a prevalent factor in my life. Its not because he compliments me with such magnitude every time I see him. I'd be lying if that wasn't part of it. But I'd be lying if I said it was. No. Its because his company is unmatched. His opinions, perceptively right or wrong, are so glorious. The way he conveys his thoughts, ideas, and beliefs are with such conviction that its captivating. I so often find myself standing up and yelling in his face with such a grin of amusement and a furrowed brow of frustration. I can hardly count the number of times some weird quirk of my personality has matched his to a T; My desire to adopt a black boy, my plan to jump out of a plane naked when I grow tired of old age, my response "living the dream," etc. Its almost to the point that I do not believe him when he says that he feels the same way. I feel that part of my draw to him is that he is so inherently similar to me. I like me, so why wouldn't I like him? Self centered as that sounds and as fickle as that makes this post, its true.
I worry about him sometimes, because I know he's not happy. I worry that he doesn't want to be as strong as I know he is, but I know he has the capability and capacity to overcome and move on. To flourish. He is capable of such greatness that I hope and wait for it to be achieved. I might not be there with him the way he wants, but I will always be there for him. Every step of the way. Just as he is there for me. Because whether he likes it or not, I'm here, and I'm not leaving.